Q. What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants?
Q. How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?
A. They both have rings!
Q. What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone?
A. He grew up to be a bellhop!
Q. What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron?
A. A smooth operator!
Q. What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people, pretending to be somebody else?
A. A big phone-y!
Q. Why didn’t the skeleton need a telephone?
A. He had no body to talk with!
Q. How does a cheerleader answer the phone?
Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a pair of glasses?
A. A television.
Q. What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?
A. When they’re not home!
Q. How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration?
A. A party line!
Q. How does a barber make phone calls?
A. He cuts them short.
Q. Why didn’t the mummy want a telephone?
A. He always got too wrapped up in his calls!
, question and answer jokes
10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
9. If at first you don’t succeed…try management.
8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
7. Hang in there….retirement is only 35 years away!
6. Go the extra mile…it makes your supervisor look incompetent.
5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
4. Administration…we waste time so you don’t have to.
3. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.
1. Succeed in spite of Administration.
, top ten
By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
REDMOND, Wash (UPI) – Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known “trademark” symbol, formerly denoted as “tm” in most print media.
The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
“It was a natural,” commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft’s Ministry of Information. “Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems’ trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named ‘ActiveX.’ We talked about changing the name of ‘ActiveX’ to ‘Chile’ or ‘Brazil’ — which would also help distance it from all those recently-uncovered security holes — when someone joked that we’d save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we’d just trademark the trademark symbol.”
Schexnader continued, “At first, we all just laughed — but one look at Bill’s face, and we knew we’d be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning.”
Microsoft hasn’t wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft’s Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, “Use of the ‘tm’ symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church.”
But companies wishing to use the ‘(tm)’ symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, ‘(tMS)’, to replace the now-restricted ‘(tm)’ symbol.
“Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free,” states Goldberg, “though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future.”
Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, “Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago,” but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit.
Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe, “[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will benefit computer users worldwide. It’s a technological breakthrough. As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to play catch-up.”
So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases. “Our next [acquisition] will be the ‘service mark’ symbol. We already have the paperwork in place for it.” Gilbert stated that the new symbol would be ‘sMS’, following the trend set by the new trademark symbol.
“It’s a natural for us,” concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky is not the limit at Microsoft. “We’d also looked into acquiring the rights to the ‘registered’ trademark symbol, but several representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry — and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft.”
But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant. “Instead, we’re looking into purchasing the entire Patent and Trademark Office,” stated Schexnader.
No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday.
Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post “Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol,” provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright statement are included.
, funny microsoft press release
Abe was visiting Israel for the first time. As soon as his plane landed, he got a taxi to take him to his hotel. The taxi driver was very friendly and told Abe all kinds of useful information.
Then Abe asks the driver, “Say, is Israel a healthy place?”
“Oh, yes, it really is,” the driver answered, “When I first came here, I couldn’t say even one simple word, I had hardly any hair on my head, I didn’t have the energy to walk across a small room and I even had to be helped out of bed every day.”
“That’s a remarkable story, truly amazing,” Abe said, “so how long have you been here in Israel?”
“I was born here.”
, taxi driver
“President Bush is in the Middle East this week to promote his Middle East peace plan. I don’t think Bush quite gets it. Like today he said, ‘Everything would work out in the Middle East if the Palestinians and the Israelis would just start acting like good Christians.’” —Jay Leno
, george bush
, jay leno
An easily understandable explanation of derivative markets.
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit . She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.
To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed in a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around about Heidi’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi’s gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic Vice President at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets, and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets.
Naive investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar. He so informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons. But being unemployed alcoholics, they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations, she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and her eleven employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank’s liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.
Suppliers of Heidi’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms’ pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with not only having to write off her bad debt but also with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations. Her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses, and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar, no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in the Federal Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi’s bar.
, Derivative Markets
I am writing this slow because I know that you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven’t seen them since.
The weather isn’t too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don’t make the last payment on Grandma’s grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she’s going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
, from mom with love