A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
Tags: Electric Train
Sometimes it becomes necessary to move your computer to a new location for whatever reason; installing/adding new hardware or just decided to move it for “easier access”, for instance (note easier access in quotation marks).
Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions.
Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they’re doing…and masochists.
1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later.
2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don’t be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough.
3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, umbilical cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you’re at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible.
4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it’s been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma.
5. Now that you’ve picked a *good* spot, it’s time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it’s in a dark, hard-to-reach location.
6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they’re all the same color: gray. See number 1.
7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you’ve left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don’t have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now.
8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it.
9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn’t use it that much anyway.
10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on.
11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn’t working.
12. Plug monitor in.
13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don’t work.
14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins.
15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork.
16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back.
17. When asked why you’re banging your head on the monitor, don’t reply. It would only confuse him/her.
, Moving A Computer
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
, Perfect Couple
Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
, mother jokes
, yo mama
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV — it’s a microwave!”
, blonde joke