A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do [...]]]> ABC’s of ex girlfriends:

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won’t. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said “I’m not hungry” so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car ? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn’t move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn’t last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That’s what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled “QUICK! They’re home!”

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week.

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• 

Here’s the original story.

Man, 81, finishes race after borrowing a catheter

MINNEAPOLIS – Organizers of the Twin Cities Marathon said they won’t disqualify an 81-year-old runner who won his age group after using a borrowed catheter. Jerry Johncock of Shelbyville, Mich., was sidelined at an aid station about [...]]]> Funny for WAY too many reasons.

Here’s the original story.

Man, 81, finishes race after borrowing a catheter

MINNEAPOLIS – Organizers of the Twin Cities Marathon said they won’t disqualify an 81-year-old runner who won his age group after using a borrowed catheter. Jerry Johncock of Shelbyville, Mich., was sidelined at an aid station about 21 miles into Sunday’s race because a blood clot prevented him from urinating. The aid station had no catheter, but a spectator stepped forward to offer Johncock a catheter he had in his car.

Aides helped insert the catheter and Johncock went on to finish in a little over 5 hours 22 minutes.

Race officials considered disqualifying Johncock because of a rule against improper assistance. But executive director Virginia Brophy Achman said they decided Johncock didn’t break the rule.

She called Johncock “a great role model and example of what you can do as a runner.”

Johncock’s wife, Dorlene, said her husband was cheered by the ruling. She said he found the whole situation a little humorous.

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• 

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with [...]]]> An Italian man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”

The Jewish man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours.”

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for over six hours?” The Jewish man said, “I wiped my hands on the bedspread.”

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• 

Speaking of the doctor: “He was the natural choice for investigating how someone attached a dried bull’s penis to the Oxford Ox, and why. Details have yet to be published.”

Speaking of the MRI experiment: “It is an [...]]]> We won’t embed the video for wont of offending our readers. However, here are some notable quotes:

Speaking of the doctor: “He was the natural choice for investigating how someone attached a dried bull’s penis to the Oxford Ox, and why. Details have yet to be published.”

Speaking of the MRI experiment: “It is an interest to specialists, and also, perhaps, to laypersons interested in reproductive anatomy.”

Sounds like a good slogan for Playboy. “An interest, perhaps, to laypersons interested in reproductive anatomy.”

Here’s a link to the video.

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• 

Thanks to Today’s Joke.

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before [...]]]>

True Love

Thanks to Today’s Joke.

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

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•