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If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

……Then You Are Probably the Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.

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The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole!

The bartender screams at the guy Did you see what your monkey just did?

The guy says No, what?

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!

Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, replied the guy. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

Whoa, did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.

No, what? replies the guy.

Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it! said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…

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