Play Pac Man and state to person next to you, “These new games are incredible!”

Practice ‘spinning mouse mat on index finger’ globe trotter routine.

Put your monitor’s contrast and brightness on full. With wide open eyes yell “It’s going to implode!”

Tell the cashier you wish to redeem your free 1000 hours and hand him a bag full of collected AOL promo CD’s.

Typing hard and loudly looking behind you yell, “STOP MAKING ME TYPE THIS – IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE!”

Sit at the web terminal… without a chair.

Wheel your leather executive chair into Internet cafe and up to the computer with the largest monitor. Sit down, turn to the person next to you handing them a stack of papers, “Get these photocopied right away, the president wants them by end of day.”

Casually look around the room for people in chat rooms, log into the same chat room and after a brief and somewhat disturbing conversation state “Your blue jeans go well with your white shirt.”

Use computer’s speakers to play collection of Sesame Street MP3′s.

Dress up in ragged and worn clothes. Walk into an Internet cafe that uses Windows with squeegee and bucket, begin to squeegee monitors for spare change.

Draw two red lines on either end of the floor with a marker, recruit other interested racers and rev up your wheelie chairs.

Turn off the lights and have a Star Wars light sabre moment with your optical mouse. (Darth Vader sounds are encouraged for extra fun).

Show up in hand cuffs and gagged mouth. Use foot to navigate mouse and visit ‘escaped fugitives guide’ web site.

Put 1.44 disk in drive and have person next to you do the same. Place bets and EJECT – furthest disk is the winner!

In the middle of writing an email, turn monitor off and sigh “Ahhh not again!!!”, turn monitor back on and utter “Oh thank goodness!”. Repeat until you see concerned faces.

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I am writing this slow because I know that you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don’t make the last payment on Grandma’s grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she’s going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

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The bad news is that regular agricultural crops may disappear in California over the next century.

The good news is, crops in California that will continue to grow well are the ones currently being grown in basements, attics and garages.

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Schroedinger should not have done that
It was cruel “playing God” with a cat
Which, by the way, mister
Belonged to your sister
The next time please make it a rat.

Said Schroedinger poison is nifty
To dispose of this cat, God is shifty
We can’t tell if it died
Till we all peer inside
And the odds are at just that, 50/50.

The cat in the box still has growth
Or it’s dead, and infested with sloth
One should not get unnerved
Till the cat is observed
It’s a superposition of both.

So that is the way that you tell it
Leave a cat in a box with a pellet
Should the trigger let go
The poison will flow
And you’ll know the cat’s dead when you smell it.

Said Schroedinger, “let Physics advance
Though it might be kitty’s last dance
When we open the box
Be prepared for some shocks
But there’s only a 50% chance.”

Said Schroedinger, “let’s take a chance
Though it might be kitty’s last dance.”
“The poor cat,” he then joked
“is alive, or it’s croaked”
But you can’t know these things in advance.

From my son Nate Reid:

Schroedinger once started schemin’
on how to get his sister all steamin’.
He said with distaste,
As he closed up the case,
“Time for kitty to meet Maxwell’s Demon”

A physicist so deft in his craft,
To his sister, did something quite daft.
Placed her cat in a state
of indetermate fate,
Where the odds it was dead were one half.

When shown a cat healthy as day,
Erwin whispered in utter dismay
“Wish the radioactvity
Had the proclivity
For a hell-of-a-lot-faster decay”.

From my son Brian Weissman:

“An Atom of something in flux
In Schroedinger’s box is the crux
Of quantum prediction
And superposition
From the cat’s point of view, it all sucks.”

“Though Schroedinger’s ethic is shitty
And the feline’s deserving of pity
In their youth, the boy cruel
With his sister at school
Did far meaner things to her kitty”

Now you’d never call Erwin a “Wussy”
Nor label his working day “cushy”
But you might have to question
His endless obsession
With superpositional pussy.

Though you’d never call Erwin a “Wussy”
Nor label his discipline “cushy”
You might have to question
His morbid obsession
With superpositional pussy.

Barked Schroedinger “Turn off the heat’a
Release all the chimps and the cheetah
And take all you can grab
‘Cause the whole goddamn lab
Is surrounded by bastards from PETA!”

From my daughter Kira Weissman:

All this talk about Schroedinger’s cat?
I mean, what’s the big deal with that?
It’s alive or it’s dead
But what can surely be said
Is that the cat must be smelling a rat!

Pity Schroedinger’s feline
Whose state we cannot define
It’s superposition
Dependent on fission
Only the cat knows whether it’s fine

For his thought experiment insightful
Was the loss of a kitty a trifle
That it lives or it’s curtains
Remains quite uncertain
His sis found the test less delightful

In Schroedinger’s box sat a kitty
Unaware of it’s fate, what a pity
More intelligent sods
Wouldn’t have taken those odds
50:50 is really quite shitty!

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Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

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A history joke:
Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?
Because the poor didn’t have anything worth stealing!

Teacher: You’re new here aren’t you, what’s your name?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith

A history joke
Why did Eve want to move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple!

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

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You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

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Client: Well, give me the bad news first.

Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene

Client: Oh no! I’m ruined! What’s the good news?

Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

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Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man’s first day was going.

“How you doing today?”, she said to the old man, “First day I see”. The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, “My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too.” “That’s okay.”, said the old man, “I feel so much better being able to talk to someone.” Looking into the bowl the orderly said, “I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!” The old man responded, “That’s okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow.”

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