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She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, ‘I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.’

She answers, ‘My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’

‘OK,’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

‘My dear child,’ says the nun, ‘why are you crying?’

‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess. I’m married and I’m Jewish.’

The nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.’

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Alexander Graham Bell’s Jewish mother:
“Nu, so you invented the telephone. You think you could give your mother ah call sometimes?”

Paul Revere’s Jewish mother:
“Why do you have to ride around like ah meshuganeh in middle of the night? Why can’t you ride during the day like ah mentch?”

Dr. Seuss’s Jewish mother:
“What’s all this nonsense about eggs and ham? Come taste some of this potato kugel I made yesterday.”

Gandhi’s Jewish mother:
“I understand you don’t like violence but do you have to fast so much? My poor boy is wasting away!”

Babe Ruth’s Jewish mother:
“Best player in the history of baseball… so what? Mrs. Rabinowitz’s son is ah doctor! Ah top surgeon!”

Beethoven’s Jewish mother:
“You play very nicely, but ah haircut wouldn’t hurt! You look like ah bum with all that hair!”

Mona Lisa’s Jewish mother:
“No boy is going to look at you if you smile like that! You want to leave me with no grandchildren?!”

Frank Sinatra’s Jewish mother:
“All this singing about New York! What about coming to Miami for Pesach to visit your poor mother?”

Shakespeare’s Jewish mother:
“What’s with all these tragedies you make up? We don’t have enough real tzuros in this world?”

Martha Stewart’s Jewish mother:
“You say you know how to cook, you say you know how to clean, and your husband still left you for ah shiksa?”

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Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. ‘Hello, sir, how are you today?

‘Fine, thank you,’ he responded, and turned back to his book.

‘I love the beach. Do you come here often?’ she asked ‘First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,’ he replied and turned back to his book.

‘I’m sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely’ she countered. Do you live around here?’ she asked.

‘Yes, I live over in Cape Coral , ‘he answered’ and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, ‘Do you like pussy cats?

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, ‘How did you know that was what I wanted?’

The man replied, ‘How did you know my name was Katz?’

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The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”

The Jewish man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours.”

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for over six hours?” The Jewish man said, “I wiped my hands on the bedspread.”

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The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Moishe?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies…

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Be here now. Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life,
you never called,
you never wrote,
you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

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“What did it say on the banners?” Obama asks.

Mahmud replies, “UNITED STATES OF IRAN.”

Obama says, “You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran , and
it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”

“What did it say on the banners?” Mahmud asks.

Obama replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”

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4 Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach.

The first lady sighs and says, “Oy…”

The second lady nods, sighs, and says, “Oy vey!”

The third lady says, “Oy veys meer!”

The fourth lady chimes in: “Enough talk about the children already. Let’s get back to the game.”

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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

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