Forwarded Joke - For When You're Hard at Work!

No Kissing In Boxing

2008-09-11T02:22:00.000-07:00

Officers

2008-08-22T23:34:00.000-07:00

A new Air force Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges", that's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay ."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own"urges".

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Not really, sir, they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are!"

Cruise Diary

2008-08-19T05:25:00.000-07:00

DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise
ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and
make-up. I'm really excited.

______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful
and we saw some whales and dolphins.
What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I
met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice
man.

______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did
some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off
the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his
table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a
wonderful time. He is a very attractive and
attentive gentleman.

_____________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino did OK ... won about
$80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him
in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete
with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the
night but I declined. I told him there was no way I
could be unfaithful to my husband.

______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and
spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw
me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a
charming gentleman He again asked me to visit him
for the night and again I declined. He told me that
if I didn't let him have his way with me he would
sink the ship. I was appalled.

______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.

A Yiddisha Kopf

2008-08-13T00:38:00.000-07:00

An old Jewish man lived alone in the country. He needed to plant his potato garden but the task was too daunting for the old man as the ground was hard.

His only son, Sol, who used to help him dig, was in federal prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Solly:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Papa

A few days later, the old man received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa:
For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks.
Love, Solly

At 4:00 a.m. the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Solly

Science and Nature Nuggets

2008-08-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart! creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
('Honey, I'm home. What the....?!')

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too )

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Forget Something?

2008-08-11T09:25:00.001-07:00

The Ass Family

2008-08-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

Bathroom Break in Beijing

2008-08-11T04:42:00.000-07:00

Funniest Laugh Ever

2008-06-30T01:31:00.000-07:00

glumbert - Laughter is contagious

Saudi Skating

2008-06-30T01:21:00.000-07:00

Donating To Israel

2008-06-30T00:19:00.001-07:00

A man arrives at Ben Gurion International Airport with two large bags.
The customs agent opens the first bag and finds it full with money in different currencies.

The agent asks the passenger, "How did you get this money?"

The man says, "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe and went into all the public restrooms that I could. Each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said, 'Donate money to Israel or I will cut off your balls."'

The customs agent is stunned and mumbles: "Well...it's a very interesting story... what do you have in the other bag?"

The man says, "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel"....

Watch Out Wedding Videos

2008-06-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

Man Of Year

2008-06-30T00:12:00.001-07:00

Photo Of The Year

2008-06-30T00:03:00.000-07:00

Wishing Well - Benny Hill

2008-06-26T04:20:00.000-07:00

Tribute to George Carlin

2008-06-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

George Carlin passed away and this is a link to some of his clips. He will be sorely missed...

Naming The Dog

2008-06-11T04:39:00.000-07:00

Wireless Headset

2008-06-11T04:25:00.000-07:00

How I Quit Smoking - Video

2008-06-04T23:56:00.000-07:00

Senior Boating - Video

2008-06-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

Gender & Driving Etiquette

2008-05-29T02:48:00.000-07:00

A woman is driving at night on a narrow country road..

At the same time a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road.

When they narrowly pass each other at high speed, the woman rolls down her window and loudly shouts - HORSE!

Immediately the man shouts back - BITCH!

The man laughs.

He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining his speed.

Moral of the story:

Men never listen, and when they do, they don't understand one word a woman says.

Human Brain

2008-05-26T03:38:00.000-07:00

Scientists have finally discovered what's wrong with the human brain:

On the left side, there is nothing right,

and on the right side, there is nothing left.

Blond Antelope

2008-05-25T03:22:00.000-07:00

Three dogs

2008-05-19T09:15:00.001-07:00

Three Labrador Retrievers -- one Chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my Owner's' bed."

The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig Under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow Lab said

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black Lab said! . "No , I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Top 10 thoughts for 2008

2008-05-19T09:13:00.001-07:00

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today
'Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow'.