Gender & Driving Etiquette

A woman is driving at night on a narrow country road..


At the same time a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road.


When they narrowly pass each other at high speed, the woman rolls down her window and loudly shouts - HORSE!

Immediately the man shouts back - BITCH!

The man laughs.

He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining his speed.





Moral of the story:

Men never listen, and when they do, they don't understand one word a woman says.

Human Brain

Scientists have finally discovered what's wrong with the human brain:

On the left side, there is nothing right,

and on the right side, there is nothing left.

Blond Antelope

Three dogs

Three Labrador Retrievers -- one Chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my Owner's' bed."

The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig Under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow Lab said

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black Lab said! . "No , I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Top 10 thoughts for 2008

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today
'Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow'.

Jewish Q and A

Q: What is a Jewish menage-a-trois
A: Two headaches and an erection.

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked

Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A. She has a headache with the postman.

Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.

Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff

Q What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all

Q: Define "genius"
A: An average student with a Jewish mother

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat

Q: What do you call someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: A meshuggener

Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg

Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz 500SL convertible

Middle East

Ouch

Finding the remote

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most
unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point
beyond her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and roll ed over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping"? she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote".

Because

No Fuel

Planning

When grandma goes to court

This was sent in by AG. Our first joke. Thank you!

In a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'