Forwarded Joke: Funny Stuff Jokes Video & Pictures

A man was taking his wife, pregnant with twins, to the hospital when he lost control of his car and crashed it.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a practical joker, there sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a rush to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking, “Oh no, what’s he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”

His brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”

The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”

The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”

A man escaped from prison where he had been for the last 15 years. He breaks into a house to search for money and guns and there he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck and gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

Someone ought-a tell the driver of that vehicle, that that is not what drive-through means…

Once upon a time there were 3 people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about twenty miles to shore. She then announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After fifteen miles, she was too tired to continue on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out five miles, 10 miles, fifteen miles, 19 miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.”

The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got the Dogs with us.”

The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.”

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and Started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer said, “A Doberman?”

The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”

The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.”

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog
May be a bit more difficult, but thought,”What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started
To walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua ?”

The woman said indignantly, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ???????

Shortly after the construction of the twin-towered Time Warner Center in Manhattan (home to twenty million dollar condos featuring, its owners claimed, the “most commanding view of any residences overlooking Central Park”), Donald Trump had banners hung from his own World Tower, a neighboring building to the north.

Trump’s message? “Your views aren’t so great, are they? We have the real Central Park views and address! Best Wishes, The Donald.”

From the March 1990 Playboy interview with Donald Trump:

Playboy: How is your marriage?

Trump: Just fine. Ivana is a very kind and good woman. I also think she has the instincts and drive of a good manager. She’s focused and she’s a perfectionist.

Playboy: And as a wife, not a manager?

Trump: I never comment on romance…. She’s a great mother, a good woman who does a good job.

Playboy: What is marriage to you? Is it monogamous?

Trump: I don’t have to answer that. I never speak about my wife–which is one of the advantages of not being a politician. My marriage is and should be a personal thing.

Overheard at a party:

The bookmakers are taking bets on who Donald Trump will marry next (a serious remark).

Odds are: Marla Maples 34 to 1, Elizabeth Taylor 5000 to 1, etc. etc., and Boy George 65000 to 1.

Someone else who overheard suggested that The Donald would place a large bet on Boy George and marry him to collect.

Donald Trump: Friar’s Club Roast

On October 15, 2004, shortly before his wedding to model Melania Knauss, Donald Trump was roasted at the Friar’s Club’s 100th anniversary bash in New York City. Regis Philbin led a panel of friends in razzing the Donald, among them comedian Susie Essman. “I know what Melania sees in you,” she joked. “A billion dollars and high cholesterol!”

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don’t miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’

The parrot says, ‘I was born this way.. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies.. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’

‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.’

‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks, ‘Then answer this – how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’

‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand and speak English, can’t you?’

‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.’

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’

‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!’

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational….

He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot says, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the UPS man.’

‘What are you talking about?’ asks the guy.

‘When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie..’

‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’

‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’ he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’

‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…..’

Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

‘Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!’